Had an extremely rough weekend. Saturday I just wanted to quit. When you are 340 lbs. you are clearly not starving. But your body does not know as it craves what has been put into it everyday for years and years. I was manic Saturday. Mad, sad, annoyed, angry, depressed. The first things that come to mind. My fiancée was more than supportive, so I did what all irrational people do; I made her suffer for my problems. She forced me to eat a banana and a protein shake, which I resented and hate. But I did it and the felt a little better.
I basically did nothing yesterday. Rode the couch, slept, drank and ate the protein supplements and choked down a banana. Missed mass, which would have been a great place to go. I could use God's help right now.
Big challenges lie ahead. A trip home to WI this weekend. Not being able to eat what I want there will be the ultimate test. Nothing has made me happier than food from home. It will be great to see family and friends - plan on asking the four guys I have chosen to be my groomsmen this weekend. I hope I am not a sullen asshole due to this choice. Surgery is one week from tomorrow...
Happy to report that I was 335 lbs. when I got on the scale this morning. Maybe happy isn't the right word. It's nice to see weight loss. It's horrible to know 335 is the "lightest" I've been in ten years. Pretty disgusting really. I am very worried that even with physical improvement I will still hate myself.
